Predictably, at 9dpo, I’m driving myself crazy. You’d think I wouldn’t be. After all, this is only our second try since I had surgery to remove intrauterine adhesions, or our third perfectly-timed try since the loss of our daughter (we tried once early on, before the MFM suggested we put the brakes on things). But I’ve been so desperate to be pregnant again, and so distressed by the enforced waiting period, that now that we’re actually trying I’ve got a lot of pent-up excitement about the possibility that this could finally be the month.
This month I’ve been obsessing particularly about implantation bleeding. In the 11 months after I went off birth control and started paying attention to my cycles, until I got pregnant with our daughter, I experienced it twice: the only two months (at the end) that we used digital OPKs and finally got our timing right despite my wacky cycles. It was classic implantation bleeding: light, only lasting for a couple of days, starting a week after ovulation. The first time didn’t result in a detectable pregnancy (I suspect a blighted ovum), but the second resulted in our daughter (who died from a placental abruption 4.5 months into the pregnancy, for anyone who’s new here).
Of course, now that I’ve been pregnant once, I’m driving myself crazy looking for signs that are just like the last time. Or looking for evidence from other women on the internet that different pregnancies are different. (I have googled “implantation bleeding in one pregnancy but not another” in approximately 50 variations, and I’d love to hear any relevant stories from anyone reading this!)
In the three tries using digital OPKs since the loss of our daughter, there hasn’t been even a hint of implantation bleeding, and it’s freaking me out. Why did I get it both times I used a digital OPK before I got pregnant, and zero of three times after? Are there yet-to-be-discovered complications from my first pregnancy that are preventing me from getting pregnant again? Aside from the intrauterine adhesions, I mean… something else? Were my tubes scarred along with 10% of my uterus? Are we just spinning our wheels?
Or is it a good sign that I’m not experiencing implantation bleeding this time? Neither of the cycles with implantation bleeding resulted in a live baby, so maybe it’s good that things are different now? (Assuming I ever do get pregnant again, I suspect this will be a recurring theme for at least the first 4.5 months of that pregnancy… I can’t trust any of the experiences I had the first time around, since they all ended in disaster, but anything new is also suspicious because it’s new!) There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence on the internet that women who’ve experienced implantation bleeding in one pregnancy sometimes don’t experience it in subsequent pregnancies, so maybe it’s no big deal. Or maybe it is.
This endless back-and-forth is what’s been going through my mind for the past several days. With both pre-pregnancy cycles I experienced implantation bleeding at 6dpo, so if it were going to happen it should have happened by now. So it’s likely that I’m not pregnant this month. Unless I am.
I talked with my mom (who also happens to be a women’s health nurse practitioner), and she reassured me that implantation bleeding is not common, doesn’t always happen in different pregnancies for the same woman, and is not a reliable indicator of pregnancy. She also reassured me that we probably don’t need to wait for a full year before going back to the RE, since we’ve got so many other complicating factors (diagnosed oligoovulation, intrauterine adhesions, and FVL) — she said that if I were her patient she’d send me back after six months. That was the most reassuring of all, honestly. I do feel like I can make it through three more months of trying without driving myself totally batty, but I would feel better if our attempts were overseen by our RE so we don’t waste too much time unnecessarily. I know some people reading this have been through way more than I have, but I do feel that we’ve been through quite enough to ask for some help. I’ve hit enough super-low-probability problems at different stages of this process that I don’t trust my body at all anymore.
So I’m waiting, and trying not to obsess about every early pregnancy symptom (was that a cramp I just felt?) or lack thereof (where is my implantation bleeding?!). It helps that I’m on a work trip this week to the Pacific Northwest, where it is beautiful and springlike with tree blossoms and sunshine everywhere. I’m too busy to obsess too much, too jetlagged for charting to be useful, and I didn’t bring any pregnancy tests in my suitcase. Take that, obsessive brain! I get back late Wednesday night, so if my period doesn’t arrive by Thursday you can bet I’ll be pulling out the tests Friday morning, but that’s about the worst I can do. We shall see. For now, I’m enjoying the sunshine and lack of snow!