False Alarm

My BBT chart tricked me again.  Spotting last night, and when I woke up this morning my temperature had plummeted.  I’m not pregnant.  No baby in 2015 for us, and if this month doesn’t work, then no baby by the time I turn 33 (despite the fact that we started trying when I was 30).  Oh, and I’ll have to weather my first Mothers Day since the death of our baby with an empty womb.

It seems insane to keep getting my hopes up just to have them fall all the harder each month, but I just can’t help it — this month’s chart really looked just like my pregnant chart, and my temp stayed high as a kite for the full 14 days, whereas I can often see it start to drop on day 14.  Now, of course, I’m back to imagining everything that might be wrong.

What if my lining is so damaged that we’ll never get another blastocyst to implant?  What if my tubes were scarred along with my uterus and there’s no hope of fertilization anyway?  What if the scar tissue wasn’t actually corrected during the hysteroscopy?  (This is not a totally baseless fear — the doctor said that normally he gets a before-and-after picture of the uterus showing both tubal ostia clear, but he ran out of saline at the end and couldn’t get the “after” picture.  He said he had gotten it all, but now I’ve got this persistent doubt nagging at my mind.)

At least I know I’ve got the appointment with the RE a month from now — that’ll give us a chance to discuss all my fears with someone who is actually knowledgeable about this stuff.  Although of course now my fear is that she either won’t or can’t do anything to help us at this point.

Mostly I just want to know: how long is this going to take?  Is it ever going to work?  If not, we’ll just skip straight to adoption right now, thanks!  But imagining going through years more of this, and then potentially years of adoption work, makes me feel crazy.  I don’t know if I can do it.  But what choice do I have?  Living childless is not a choice that we’re willing to make.

OK, well, time to pick up the pieces and head off into yet another cycle.  May, here we come.

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12 thoughts on “False Alarm

  1. TryTryAgain

    Bless you, I’m so sorry to hear this. I totally understand all the questions – I’m 100% with you on that. We started trying when I was 31 and I’ll be 34 in a couple of months and not a sniff of a baby yet!! I really hope that the doctor can help you out, the waiting is the worst I know. I’ll be thinking of you, sending lots of love xxx

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thank you — I knew I could count on you to understand. I wish this didn’t hit me so hard every month. Sometimes it seems to get harder with time instead of easier, and I wish I could stop feeling that way, but it seems to be out of my control.

      Ah, well. I’ll be looking forward to your news for the month soon! And thanks again for all your support.

      Reply
      1. TryTryAgain

        You’re very welcome. It’s just a long, painful, crappy journey that we’re on, I totally understand. That’s the top and bottom of it – everything is out of our control!! So difficult. I’ll be thinking of you, lots of love xxx

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    The waiting and the unknown is the worst, and hardest part of all of this. I hate that you are struggling right now, and I hope you find some peace with all of this (and if you do, please feel free to let me know how you did it). Love to you.

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thank you — your parenthetical made me laugh. One of the things that keeps me going is knowing that somehow people do make it through to the other side, like you’ve been doing so gracefully. The other thing that keeps me going is love and support, so thank you for yours. 🙂

      Reply
  3. andthewindscreamsmary

    All of those “what ifs” you mentioned are things I think about daily too. And our timelines with our ages and when we started trying is similar too. It can all be very disheartening at times. You certainly are not alone… hugs.

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Yes, you know at least as well as I do how disheartening all of this can be — but somehow you keep going, and I suppose I can too. It really helps to have company along the way, so I’m very glad that we’ve found our way to each other’s little spaces on the web.

      Reply
  4. Recurrentlyhopeful

    I’m so sorry this month wasn’t the one. I’ve had fears like this from time to time too. I find CD1 is the toughest day of the month – I hope each day gets a little bit easier for you x

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thank you — I really appreciate it. I’m sure each day will get easier — you’re right that the first is always the worst. Glad you’ve got good news to celebrate this cycle, at least!

      Reply
  5. Wifey

    I’m sorry 😦 I wish we could have the answers to all those “if” and “when” and “how” and “why” questions. All the uncertainty makes it even harder than it already is. But we have to be hopeful, right? That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Just know you are not alone.

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thank you. Yes, the uncertainty is the hardest part. I’ve never been the sort to skip to the back of the book, but peeking ahead a little bit right now would be such an enormous relief — at this point I don’t care what the answer is, I just want to get there!

      And yes, we have to be hopeful. It’s a double-edged sword, though. Having hope means being disappointed over and over again. There’s not much choice, though.

      Sorry for being so negative — I feel like I should be able to be hopeful and positive, but I’m just having a tough time of it this month! It’s a lot easier to be hopeful for other people than we are for ourselves — you can be hopeful for me, and I’ll be hopeful for you. 🙂

      Reply

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