My BBT chart tricked me again. Spotting last night, and when I woke up this morning my temperature had plummeted. I’m not pregnant. No baby in 2015 for us, and if this month doesn’t work, then no baby by the time I turn 33 (despite the fact that we started trying when I was 30). Oh, and I’ll have to weather my first Mothers Day since the death of our baby with an empty womb.
It seems insane to keep getting my hopes up just to have them fall all the harder each month, but I just can’t help it — this month’s chart really looked just like my pregnant chart, and my temp stayed high as a kite for the full 14 days, whereas I can often see it start to drop on day 14. Now, of course, I’m back to imagining everything that might be wrong.
What if my lining is so damaged that we’ll never get another blastocyst to implant? What if my tubes were scarred along with my uterus and there’s no hope of fertilization anyway? What if the scar tissue wasn’t actually corrected during the hysteroscopy? (This is not a totally baseless fear — the doctor said that normally he gets a before-and-after picture of the uterus showing both tubal ostia clear, but he ran out of saline at the end and couldn’t get the “after” picture. He said he had gotten it all, but now I’ve got this persistent doubt nagging at my mind.)
At least I know I’ve got the appointment with the RE a month from now — that’ll give us a chance to discuss all my fears with someone who is actually knowledgeable about this stuff. Although of course now my fear is that she either won’t or can’t do anything to help us at this point.
Mostly I just want to know: how long is this going to take? Is it ever going to work? If not, we’ll just skip straight to adoption right now, thanks! But imagining going through years more of this, and then potentially years of adoption work, makes me feel crazy. I don’t know if I can do it. But what choice do I have? Living childless is not a choice that we’re willing to make.
OK, well, time to pick up the pieces and head off into yet another cycle. May, here we come.