So, any news yet?

Here’s a thing that’s been happening lately: it seems like other people (not just us!) are getting impatient to hear news of our next pregnancy.  Impatient enough that they’ve started asking about it.  Is this normal?!?!

It’s happened three or four times in the past few weeks.  In some cases, it seems totally natural: our down-the-street neighbor who’s also been going through her own fertility issues asked me recently.  That made sense — she used to see me out walking the dog when I was still pregnant, so she knew about our loss, and opened up about her own difficulties during our occasional chats by the side of the road.  I have two female coworkers that I had coffee/lunch with last week, and they both asked how things are going, in a friendly way.  They both have young kids, although as far as I know they had no fertility issues (and their kids are both perfectly spaced two years apart), but they both had unusual insight into my loss.  One of them was sitting next to me that time that I lost it in public.  The other is almost a decade older than I am and already a full professor, and I told her about our pregnancy early on when I needed some advice about dealing with pregnancy in academia.  So, sure, it was sweet of them to ask how things are going.  But neither had brought it up for many months, so it was a little surprising that both of them brought it up in the same week.

And then today was the most awkward.  It was a beautiful, sunny day, and my husband and I were out in the driveway staining some shelves for our closet (our latest home improvement project).  We saw our neighbors pull up, and went over to chat, since we hadn’t seen them for a while.  After we chatted with them for a while and heard about the latest gymnastics and cheerleading sagas from their two teenage daughters, the husband looked at me and said, “So… any news yet?”  He might have meant it generically, but I asked my husband afterward and we agreed that it was pretty clear he was asking if I was pregnant.  I stammered a “nope, no news!” and we went back to our project.

It’s been eight months since our daughter died.  (It’s only been 3.5 months since my last surgery, but most people don’t know about all the complications I went through after she was born.)  I know that people mean well, and I know that we have way less privacy than most families going through pregnancy loss since ours was so late… but I guess I still wasn’t prepared for the sudden deluge of well-meaning but awkward inquiries into the status of our (in)fertility.  Is this normal?!?!

I like it when friends ask.  I like it when people who’ve experienced fertility issues of their own ask.  It’s constantly on my mind, so it seems to make relationships easier when it’s an open topic of conversation.  I’m a little less sure what to think when our neighbors are wondering out loud if we’re pregnant yet.  I mean, I get it, I’m impatient to be pregnant, and most couples *are* pregnant by now after a loss.  But I’m, um, pretty obviously not pregnant, at least not past the first trimester (I’m normal weight and was wearing a form-fitting t-shirt today), so you’d think people would know better than to bring it up, unless they’re ready for a difficult conversation!

Anyway, this is mostly a “people are weird” sort of post.  I’m more bemused than annoyed or angry about it, but I’m curious whether anyone else seemed to experience an expiration date on the silence around their loss many months after it happened.  It’s totally bizarre — I felt really isolated when there were no well-meaning inquiries in the first months after our loss when I was going through a lot of confusing and difficult medical and emotional issues.  But now that things have settled down a bit and I’m trying to get on with my life, all of a sudden people want to know where my bump is.  It’s very strange.

(And in case you’re afraid to ask after my little mini-rant: nope, no news here.  At 1dpo, I’m just settling into the two week  wait — not particularly hopeful, not temping, doing my best not to symptom-spot, and mostly just looking forward to my long-awaited appointment with the RE a week from Tuesday.)

Has anyone else experienced a resurgence of curiosity many months after the loss of a pregnancy?

4 thoughts on “So, any news yet?

  1. Wifey

    People are weird and those questions are par for the course. Sometimes it annoys me, but then sometimes I’m glad when people ask for updates. Even if it’s incredibly awkward, I like to think it means they haven’t forgotten what we’ve been through and they are being hopeful for us. Excited for the day when we can both say “Yes! We have fabulous news!”

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Yes, you’re right, of course. 🙂 It’s just strange to me that the questions are starting now, 8 months after our loss — they seem to come out of nowhere! But yes, overall I’m very happy when people ask how things are going. It lets me know that they care and are thinking about us, which is the important thing.

  2. andthewindscreamsmary

    Most people don’t ask me – I have a pretty strong “bitch face” game when conversations go anywhere near that topic. And if someone does, it’s usually some random person – like my husband’s uncle randomly asked one day, and we aren’t very close to him at all so it just felt odd that he mentioned it. I just smiled and said “No news is good news” and it totally made NO SENSE in the conversation but it threw him off and he dropped it.

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Ha. I love the mental image of a “bitch face!” I’ve got to practice that. 🙂 And the total non sequitur is great too — what a perfect response! Leave him puzzling about that for a while!


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