My feed today

Here are the new blog posts that showed up on my feed today

1) Pregnancy announcement
2) 7 week pregnancy update
3) Work
4) Nausea during pregnancy
5) Infertile couple moving on to IVF

I’m still here, not pregnant, not moving on to IVF, not doing anything, really. I hate to complain, since everyone whose blog I read has been through plenty of crap and more than “deserves” to be pregnant, and the fact that all you lovely people who have had so many troubles are suddenly pregnant is giving me hope, but… it’s hard, guys.Β  Really hard.Β  Thinking I might need to step away from the blog for a while… if I’m not around, know that you all still have my support and best wishes.

15 thoughts on “My feed today

  1. A Calm Persistence

    Step away if you need to, but don’t feel bad about unfollowing either. I have a list of bloggers I have unfollowed, but still check on regularly (when I’m in a ‘good’ place). I cannot take logging into wordpress only to be met with bumpdates and US pictures. Blogging is a place where I need to get away from the triggers and unfortunately those are still triggers. It doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for them. In fact, I’m happy we are all not stuck here and people move on, but it is painful I’m left behind if I’m struggling. Sending you love. I’ll be here if you need me.

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Yeah, I do feel bad about unfollowing (and I’d never done it until today), but you’re right — I can always come back and check in when I’m feeling like I’m in a good place. It feels disloyal, but I need this to be a safe and supportive place, and these last couple of weeks it’s been triggering, which I’m just not in a place to be able to deal with right now. I do appreciate your love and support, and thanks so much for letting me know that you understand.

  2. theskyandback

    I agree, with A Calm Persistence — it’s ok to unfollow if you need to. I completely agree, even though you’re pleased for those with good news, seeing that stuff HURTS. It’s like a twisting knife into your already broken heart. Rest assured if I put up a post today, it would not be pretty. I haven’y been posting because I’m in such a bad place that I can’t even find the words. So just know that even though you’re seeing all these happy posts in your feed you are not alone in your suffering! Xo.

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thanks for that affirmation — it feels silly to need “permission” to unfollow, but I think you two are right. I can be happy for someone without putting myself in a situation where it’s going to derail my emotions if it catches me off guard in a vulnerable moment. Unfollowing doesn’t mean I have to stop reading or supporting, but it does put me back in control of these triggering situations. It really did derail my morning — I had a routine doctor appointment to go over my psoriasis meds at 9am, and when my doctor asked for an update on our pregnancy situation I lost it and bawled in the exam room for half an hour (my doctor is amazing and I love her — she was really helpful and supportive and never once looked at her watch). Maybe I would have done that anyway, but I think at least part of it was due to the upset of having to deal with a feed full of other people’s good news when I was half awake this morning!

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a rough patch right now — my heart goes out to you. I wish there were magic words to make you feel better, but that’s what sucks about all of this, isn’t it? There’s no way out but through. It takes years of our lives, and while we’re going through it there’s no easy comfort. But I know from your writing that you’re a thoughtful person who is finding the best possible way through, both for yourself and for your husband — that’s the absolute best you can do.

  3. Recurrent Misery -- tw: @recurrentmis

    I totally get you. It’s a horrible place to be. Please rest assured I’ll not be doing bumpdate posts constantly, but I completely understand if it is hard for you to read. It is a shit, shit place to be, I know. I will be here if you need a rant/scream. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way xx Sending you love xx

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Aw, shoot, I feel so bad — please don’t think this post was targeted at you, or anyone else in particular. It was just the ensemble of pregnancy news and progress from everyone else that caught me in a bad place this morning. I know you get it, and you’ve been there, so you understand, but I can’t help but feel like crap because I can’t be as supportive as I want to be. You’re right that it’s a shit place to be.

      Fortunately, you’re not there anymore, and I couldn’t be happier for you, really! Like I said, seeing stories like yours gives me hope — I think I just need to set it up so that I don’t get caught off guard when I’m feeling vulnerable. Thank you so much for your love and support, and I really am looking forward to seeing your good news as things go on. πŸ™‚

      1. Recurrent Misery -- tw: @recurrentmis

        Oh god, don’t feel bad. I know it wasn’t aimed specifically – I know exactly how it feels. Believe it or not, I’m still struggling to read pregnancy updates, finding it really hard, simply still because of the uncertainty surrounding everything based on past events, and I don’t feel ‘happy’ like so many appear to. I know that’s weird :-/
        I can’t wait until you give your good news on here in whatever form that might be πŸ™‚ xxx

      2. lyra211 Post author

        At this point I can only imagine, but what you’re feeling makes perfect sense. Occasionally I imagine telling people I’m pregnant again and receiving their congratulations without bursting into tears. One of many screwed-up fantasies about how loss changes us. So you’re not weird — you sound totally normal to me. πŸ™‚

  4. andthewindscreamsmary

    I understand completely where you are coming from. I am in a similar situation as you – not moving on to IVF, not moving on to IUI, no appointments/protocols… just trying the “old -fashioned way” because there’s nothing “wrong” with me. Half the time I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say, and then when I do have something to say, it feels all negative. And then I feel bad I can’t be 100% happy for everyone else’s good news when I know they have struggled as much or more than I have. Yes, it is shitty some days. I’m sorry you are going through it too. It’s stupid and unfair and nobody should have to deal with it!
    I haven’t yet unfollowed anyone, but I do just mark them as read on my Bloglovin feed and skip right past them without reading. I don’t think you should feel bad about unfollowing anyone – you have to take care of yourself first, and I’m sure anyone that you’ve unfollowed would understand. Hugs.

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Oh, yes… I very much understand the feeling that you have nothing to say, and when you do it’s negative. That’s absolutely how I’ve felt the last few months. I’m really not this negative/wallowing in person, to my friends’ faces… but that’s part of the point of having a blog (for me at least) — it’s an outlet for the words I often can’t say in my everyday relationships. Talking about loss and TTC frustration makes people uncomfortable, and most of the time they either don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing. That’s part of the function of this sort of blog, I think — to give you a safe space to say what you need to say and where people will understand what you’re going through. Sometimes the “ho hum, I have no news and I’m frustrated/upset” posts are really helpful for me to read, because of the solidarity factor. I’m often feeling the same way, and it helps to know that someone else is going through it too, even though I wish neither of us were!

      Thanks for the hugs and the understanding. I’m glad you’re here!

  5. Wifey

    I’ve been absent for a week or so myself because I just can’t take it either right now. This week leading up to Mother’s Day just plain sucks. Even though the “happy ending” posts are usually nice to read because they give me hope, I’m feeling very grouchy and cynical about them right now. You gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself.

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Yeah, you’re absolutely right. And I get it about the lead-up to Mother’s Day. If nobody’s said it to you yet, happy belated Bereaved Mother’s Day (it was this past Sunday). Hope you’re taking care of yourself too!

      1. Wifey

        I didn’t know that was a thing that existed. So, no, no one has mentioned it. Which also hurts because I feel like the world has forgotten our babies. So, thank you.

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