Healed

I finally felt it this week.

I was walking the dog in the sunset of a beautiful June evening, down the road to our house with the fields of wildflowers that feed our neighbors’ apiary in full bloom, with my husband and son walking to meet us for the last few minutes of our journey.

I felt happy and satisfied with life.  I felt happy about our family, about the growing bonds between my husband, son, and me.  I remembered our daughter, and was glad to have the memory.  I felt satisfaction about being back at work, about the science education and research that I do.

And then I realized that it was the first time I’d felt that way since before our daughter died.  It took almost two years, but I finally feel healed.

Part of the shift comes as my son (four months old this week!) has grown out of the newborn phase and into a giggly, chubby infant with an emerging personality of his very own.  When I was pregnant with him I spent the whole pregnancy in a haze of anxiety and fear that our terrible experience of loss might repeat itself.  Once he was born I feared infection, SIDS, and developmental delays.  I know I’ll never move past the fear entirely, and that worry is part of parenthood, but I’ve realized recently that it’s no longer the dominant way I think about his life.  I’ve started to see our son in every facet of our future, which is something I couldn’t allow myself to do for a long time.  I’m invested in raising a child, a child who will hopefully be part of our lives for a very long time.  I suddenly believe that he’s here to stay with us for a long while.  And that belief has largely filled the empty place left by our daughter and allowed me to feel happy and satisfied with my life again.

God, I’ve missed this.

Pregnancy loss takes such a toll, physically, mentally, emotionally.  Part of me is amazed that it has taken this long to feel that I’ve healed, and part of me is amazed that I’ve gotten here at all.

Soren is growing and changing every day, and his big blue eyes seem to just swallow up the world and all the new things he sees.  What an amazing experience it is to be his mother.  What a life we have to look forward to.

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28 thoughts on “Healed

    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thanks so much. I don’t think it’ll ever not be scary to be a parent, but it’s an amazing feeling to be able to live a little bit in the future these days, and to actually imagine him growing up as my son. It feels good to be more like the person I used to be, hopeful and optimistic. I hope you’re enjoying the early days with your little cutie too!

      Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Aw, thank you so very much! It’s lovely to hear from you. (And I so love this picture — our university photographer snapped it at an event, and it’s become one of my favorites!)

      Reply
  1. jwhitworth7

    This was such a beautiful post. It warms my heart to know that you are feeling healed and happy. I know that the fear will never go away (you are a parent) but being able to “let go” a little bit is so freeing and I can relate 100%. The picture of the two of you is gorgeous! He’s getting so big!!

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thank you! He is getting incredibly huge! Everyone thinks he’s much older than he is. But.. four month shots today, yikes! 🙂 It’s been amazing to let myself live in the future a little bit more, to actually imagine him growing up as my son. Here’s hoping for a little bit of healing for you in Memphis this week.

      Reply
      1. lyra211 Post author

        Oh, man, he was so upset today that he refused to nurse! What a screech! Poor baby! Luckily the aftermath a few hours later seems MUCH easier than the aftermath of the two-month shots. I’ll take greater short-term discomfort for a happier longer-term baby any day!

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    I get this, the world also feels more right to me these days. The fears are still there for me too, but they feel more “normal”. It’s a beautiful feeling and I’m so glad you have your little guy in your arms to snuggle! So happy for you my friend!

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Yes, you’ve put it perfectly — the fears feel more “normal” these days, and I’m able to think about the future without quite so much dread. And I feel a little more like the person I was before our daughter died — more optimistic, more satisfied, more relaxed. It feels really good. I’m so glad that the world is also feeling more right to you these days, as you settle into life with Baby MPB. Our children are amazing, aren’t they? 🙂

      Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Aw, thank you! I love this photo — it was snapped by our university photographer at an event on campus. I am generally very happy these days, except for at the moment, because I just dropped my baby off at daycare for the first time! Only half-days for the rest of the summer, but I’m still a little weepy!

      Reply
  3. hopingforatakehome

    What an amazing post, I am so happy for you ❤ You have been through so much and it's a huge deal that you are able to feel hopeful about the future. You are also absolutely glowing in that photo.

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      Thanks so much. I hope things are still going well for you too! What a ride it is to live with a small baby, huh? (Mine forgot how to sleep last night…) 🙂

      Reply
      1. hopingforatakehome

        Mine did too last night! She was in a good mood though, not super cranky, and not extra hungry. Just wanted to smile and practice new sounds at 2:30 in the morning!

  4. dandisnow

    We’re right about the same place as where you were when you wrote this post and I caught myself having these thoughts the other day too. I finally feel normal again. I’m not scared all the time. I miss my baby girl so much, but I feel more at peace about her loss than I have since she left us. I am sure there will always be times where I hurt more again, but right now, life is really, really good. ❤️

    Reply
    1. lyra211 Post author

      That’s so lovely to hear, and I’m so happy for you! And yes, it’s not a feeling that suddenly everything is OK, but rather that we can miss our missing daughters and still feel like we’re living a good and meaningful (and not ridiculously fearful) life, thinking about the future with our sons. It’s a good place to be, and I’m glad you’re here too. 🙂

      Reply

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