I’m curious whether any of you have ever felt this way. Before we were pregnant with our daughter, and then again after her death, I was laser-focused on getting pregnant as quickly as possible. I was temping, I was charting, I was using OPKs, I was doing everything I could to time things properly and maximize chances of conception. This time around feels… different.
I want another living baby, very much. Therefore, I want to be pregnant again. And rationally, I realize it makes sense to start trying now. It has never been easy for us to get pregnant, and it probably won’t be this time either. I’m 34, so Advanced Maternal Age is staring me in the face. If we want another kid, there’s no time like the present, clearly.
But… our son is still so little. Our breastfeeding relationship is still going strong. He’s only just started reliably sleeping through the night. I’m enjoying the mommy-daddy-baby triad and am not eager to upset it with another little one, even though it’s absolutely what we want for all three of us in the longer run. Starting over with a newborn sounds exhausting. Being pregnant again sounds exhausting. Heck, even getting pregnant again sounds exhausting — getting pregnant with my son was an exhausting and heartbreaking almost-2-year-long haul, counting everything we went through with my daughter. That’s part of what makes me eager to get started sooner rather than later, but it’s also a big part of what’s making me reluctant. I just can’t imagine going through it all again.
So, I’ve been dragging my feet a bit. Just last night my husband asked… isn’t this the week? And I was surprised to realize that it was, and I just hadn’t really been on top of keeping track. But he’s keeping track, apparently!
Are we really ready to get back on this roller coaster? I know that another living baby in our family will be more than worth it in the long run. But it’s been a LONG run to get to where we are now with our son, and it’s daunting to think about going through it all again. There’s also my tenure clock lurking in the back of my mind. If all goes as planned, I’ll submit my materials about a year and a half from now. Another baby between now and then would practically require me to push back that clock. But since it’s probably going to take us a while, it still makes sense to start now so that ideally our pregnancy will be timed (ha!) so that my due date would be shortly after I submit my materials. So there’s the gamble about trying to time it so that it’s soon… but not too soon. But I also fully subscribe to the mantra that there is no good time for a baby, and that the potential pitfalls of waiting too long are far more dire than the pitfalls of moving back my tenure clock a bit… or even than not getting tenure at all.
Maybe it’ll be easier this time. Maybe we’ll surprise ourselves and get pregnant quickly without intervention (unlikely, but possible). Maybe I won’t lose another pregnancy. Maybe the Lovenox will just inject itself every day. Maybe we’ll get a magical easy newborn (ha). Right now, it just looks like a lot to handle, and I’m tired (but not newborn tired, thankfully!), and I want to enjoy my son, whom I love to the very depths of my soul and with whom I never feel like I get to spend enough time. I’m sure this ambivalence is normal. But I’d love to hear any thoughts about how to get past it.
In other news, S continues to delight. He’s walking and climbing all over the place these days, and starting to communicate. No clear words yet, but definitely several expressive gestures that he uses in different contexts (I won’t call them “signs” because they’re not the official ones that I’ve been using with him, but he has clearly developed his own signs — instead of “all done,” for example, he’ll grab the front of his high chair tray with two hands, and just this morning he also did it when he wanted to get out of his jumparoo. It was very clearly the same communicative gesture in a different context, and it was so cool to see that he is actually putting together the pieces for communicating with other humans!). He’s big into blocks and wheels and gets delighted whenever he manages to balance a thing on top of another thing. He’s very snuggly and pretty social and loves to hang out with our friends and family members, or walk outside and just look at the world and touch the bushes and trees. I simply can’t get enough of him these days! Having another little one to watch grow up has to be just as great… right?