It has now been two full months, or about 9 weeks, since my (2nd) miscarriage. I’ve honestly been pretty numb to it all… except the last few days.
It’s a very different experience, having a 1st trimester loss after (1) a previous 2nd trimester loss, and (2) the birth of a living child. Everyone’s experience of grief is different, and I know that if I hadn’t experienced those two key events in my life, this event would have been much, much harder for me to process. As it is, I’ve mostly just been able to write it off as bad luck. This is my 1 in 4 pregnancies that probably had some chromosomal defect that my body rejected. We’ll move on and try again. That’s that.
Until the last few days.
I’ve had highly significant ovulation pain every cycle since the birth of my son, so I’ve been able to tell pretty clearly when I’m ovulating. I knew that I had ovulated about two weeks ago. But as the days ticked by and my period didn’t arrive, I started feeling that roller coaster of TTC emotions that I remember so well. It’s like there’s a constant subprocess looping in the back of my brain:
Could I be pregnant? It’s too early to tell. I could take a test! No, that’s a waste of money — if I still don’t have my period by Monday, then I’ll be pretty sure and I can just take the test to confirm. Let’s google when your period returns after a miscarriage. Mine sure seems late! But I think I know when I ovulated, and that was less than two weeks ago. Let’s google about getting pregnant before you get your period after a miscarriage. It’s a thing that happens to people! But it probably won’t happen to me, because we don’t tend to get pregnant easily. But we did this last time. But I really shouldn’t get my hopes up. Chances are I’m not pregnant. But could I be pregnant?
And repeat, with increasing intensity, for three days. UGH.
I won’t keep you hanging any longer — I got my period yesterday. I’m not pregnant. I didn’t really think I was. But boy, did I hope! I was so mad at myself for hoping, too — or really, for caring so much. It was so nice after my son was born to just not obsess about my cycle endlessly, and I’m annoyed that now I’m back to doing it even though I really don’t want to. I guess it’s a good thing that I got my period, since it hopefully means my hormones are back to normal (or my body’s best approximation thereof) and now we can really start TTC again in earnest. But it’s also a reminder of just how much time it’s taken to go through this miscarriage — this is my first period since March. Four months of lost time, and another lost baby (albeit a very small one).
Well, I knew that getting pregnant again was likely to be a long haul, so it’s good that we started trying early. And we’re still in the zone of inconvenient timing relative to my tenure clock, so from that perspective it’s OK if this takes another 6 months or so. Just not much more than that, please. I’m not sure I can handle the emotional roller coaster for another two years.
Hopefully the approaching onslaught of teaching and advising and committees and meetings will distract me from the TTC roller coaster. Hopefully I can just turn that subprocess down to a dull roar in the back of my mind while we keep pushing on with our quest for another living child. Hopefully it won’t eat up too many more years of our lives and hopefully there won’t be too much more disappointment and heartbreak to come. Hopefully it’ll be a smooth journey and another uneventful pregnancy. That’s a lot to hope for, but hopefully at least some of my hopes will come to pass.